0K if that was a sign that I should start writing than here goes. I just turned on the TV for a minute, because I'm in this state of anger and sadness and all jumbled up, I'm alone for a few minutes while Minerve is doing laundry. I haven't really cried yet today -- or for that matter for several days, yet there are tears just below the surface. Anyway, I turn on the TV and see Larry David or David Larry whatever his name is doing some standup comedy and bombing. One of his jokes was the following: "Well if I ever get to the point where I can't wipe myself, that's the time to kill myself. Just call up Dr. Kevorkian and say, ‘It's time.’ Blah, blah, blah..."

The fact that he bombed on that joke and on most of the others, is maybe a good sign that people realize it's not funny. Not because there aren't funny parts about being sick and having to have somebody else wipe you but because it's really not something that would make one kill oneself. The pain and suffering that go well beyond not been able to wipe myself, now that could be funny and it could lead one to kill oneself. It is good to laugh. It is very good to laugh in the face of such humiliation or pain and suffering. It's the only way that some people can heal. I'm learning how to laugh in a way.

The first time for every loss or every new way of having to do something is potentially humiliating, embarrassing, difficult and sometimes makes me cry for the loss of it. Today for example, I had Vita feed me with a spoon because I cannot really get the fruit in my mouth without spilling all over my shirt. I started crying just because of the loss -- I wish I could do it. My tendency, because of my melancholic nature, is to cry and the crying heals me -- sometimes.

A friend asked me to talk more about the process I'm going through, as I go through this illness and contemplate the emotional, physical and spiritual journey. And as I contemplate passing on, or the possibility of passing on and what that means to me. She talked about getting a little bit excited for her, to pass on when her time is ready, not that she is in a hurry, but that when her time comes she'll be ready and excited for it. And I believe her. She is somebody who has an incredible inner strength; calm, quiet, yet strong…

-to be continued…