Today I feel so sad.

Could hardly hold tears in earlier.

For days now I have been experiencing spikes and bouts of immediate and momentary pieces of anger. Little spikes of pain, sometimes I watch it and it dissolves and sometimes it grabs hold me.

Fear of death. Pain. Fear OF more pain. Loss. I fear and am sad of losing my hands. Bit BY bit MY hand is going. I am losing my hands. i still struggle to feed myself, but it is a huge effort.

Just as lately I have had to reorganize the help that I need. I've had to let people go. It is a huge effort for me to get the help the right help. I'm asking certain people not to work for me. It has been very difficult. It is so personal. People work so intimately with you and then you discover you needs are not being met. The challenge for me is to act out of goodness for myself and for others, to take the risk that I am doing what is right for me, that I am worthy of getting the right help that I need.

Letting go of pain. Letting go of fear. Letting go of the old and opening to the new. Opening to self-worth. Forgiving one’s self.

It is a beginning. It is the beginning of the new. Let us continue.