Jan. 3, 2003!

Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy! Wow! Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy.

I just did it. It came to this now, finally, I knew it would someday. I used to be at other end of this when I worked at the Hospice at Mission Hill. Many times I had to wipe people after they pooped.

Now it is my turn. I needed help to wipe myself because I couldn't reach it myself. Also, we had an accident because I started pooping before the commode was completely over the toilet. So it was Lyton, my home health aide, who helped me. Ginny had gone away to do some errands out and about. She took the van. It was my second try sitting over the toilet. And I have to use a suppository now and I'm not always sure how long it takes. It usually takes at least 20 to 30 minutes. This time it took more than an hour.

And so it goes. In a way I was feeling very humiliated. But in another way I was feeling pretty calm and accepting of the experience. But all in all I felt mostly tired, really tired. It is very tiring for me now to push myself up and down to help Lyton to get my pants down and up again, and push again to move my bowels. Very tiring…

But now it is done. And I'm writing this just a few minutes later.

In a way, it was very good that it was not Ginny here to help me. Because I get so mad, frustrated -- I don't know why I do that when she's here and not let others are helping me. I guess I really do feel very vulnerable. And when Ginny is here I let my vulnerability right straight out, but it comes masked as anger or frustration instead of pure vulnerability, fear, shame and humiliation.

In this way, with somebody else helping me I actually go through some of the shame and vulnerability and frustration in a quieter way. I still feel it. But I also choose and find a way to get to a calm and accepting place.

Another lesson this illness is teaching me…