Birthday Poems
There Will Be More 

45 AND STILL -VERY- ALIVE

What do I do next? The first thing to do IS to start to write my 45^th birthday poem
            and then find those poems and read them.

            (I don’t want to write a laundry list or shopping list –I want it to be a poem,
            one that describes what I’m going through now and what the differences are
            between now and last year and the previous years…)

My friends are visiting me. Lisa is coming!
My family HAS VISITED me this year. More visits than ever before.
It is colder this year. There is more snow than usual,
            it is white & BRIGHT –more light!
I have more love and more support from friends than ever before IN my life.

"I’m out there", in life more than I ever have been before.
I’m very much IN love with my wife. I don’t know if I am more loving
            Than before, but I’m certainly trying harder
            –and WE see each other better.

In my teaching I AM more patient, I see the students more for who she and he really are.
I have more fun with them, I sense that they enjoy me and love me. I have MANY
            students and teachers who love me.
The MANY FRIENDS and students that gave me a beautiful concert And more.
            AND MORE.

The CORE is clear and it is beautiful.
It’s true I can barely move my fingers to do what I want to do with them, they’re weak,
            and my legs don’t MOVE except for my toes
            -BUT really that’s not what’s so important right now.

I feel fit, when I take stock of what I really have.
I really have true friends, the support of the universe and these friends.
I have help all around and I have the love of the most loving wife IN the universe.
I have treasures that shine like Jade in the desert sun.
            Flowers that BLOOM throughout the year.

I have inner strength and wisdom which the Angels have helped me to find, THEY have
            helped me learn to work with love and courage, to uncover and count ON help
            And ON LIFE.

The ANGELS have shown me love and held me to make me know that I am not alone,
                     Always the angels are there.

And from Ginny I have the constant companionship
            and THE BREATH of life itself,
            of The FRIEND, the BELOVED.

And from Virginnie I have that Commitment of love, compassion, loyalty to stay with me
            through whatever I go through, and to whatever dimension it takes us.
            I know that she will be with me in living, in dying, through death and beyond–
            always living.

What more could I want from a 45^th birth-day?
            -Except a party… -and I have that too!

Jan. 18, 2000!

It is my birthday  &
I am truly blessed.
Blest the Best with GinXX
    as my wife  &partner.
We work hard
We share love deeply &
    completely
        &over   &over
        Again  &again.

We struggle  &grow
    &always come thru
    w/ more love  &respect
    for each other.

When I look around me and see truly how many people are
miserable, how many choose nor love or truth, 
I realize that I am so very lucky.

Thank you God.

The tribulations  &challenges that you give me are nothing
to the love that you also give.  The love is as a blanket 
that supports me  -not covering me, but carrying me on all
my journeys through-out life.
    Even when I forget that it's there
    Even when I rage  &cry with seeming despair
    You are there
    To support me
    To carry me thru to the next corner of life.
    Many beautiful corners have you transported me
        to  &thru.

Dear God thank you for your blessings.

1-18-98
Wingsneck, Pocasset
Cape Cod

More on Forty!

A Time For Poems, Prayers  &Remembrances

Ten years ago 
I started these poems and prayers
    knowing that one day indeed
I would get to this day

            -MY FORTIETH YEAR-

Here it is.  
I'm happy.
I'm older. 
I'm not yet completely gray.  
I'm plumper 
    (hate to use the word fat!) 
I've lost any sense of feeling sprite and young and able to
leap parking meters in a single bound.  
I feel achy and stressed and tired all the time.  
So much work, so little true play, play of the soul, 
sparks of poetry   &spontaneity.  
All spontaneity goes into work.

But I do work hard, and what I do I love.  
I love my kids  -now third graders, 
    18 of them!    &
I do love.  
I love Gin         &
I love my kids.    &though we have no children 
    of our own, 
I do not give up hope.  
So in that I am still young.

I love            &
I hope            &
I work            &
I walk.  
I love to walk.
    w/Gin I walk  &
I love best to walk
    w/Gin
    -around the "loop" in the woods    &
    to Pachouwissett                   &
I have a beautiful view. 
    -the water outside my door
    from our porch &from the bedroom window too  &
    from our dining room table too.
It is so lovely    &life is good.

I'm learning, though it doesn't feel like a period of learning.  It just feels hard.  But I know this is learning and growing.  I hope it is evolving too. 

Words for me in my forties that I work with, struggle with, identify with, live by or want to live by: leadership, wisdom, fairness, thoughtful and patient (hopeful), anxious, reactionary yet thoughtful still, frustrated, desiring the good, desiring to do the best, loyalty, worthy/worthiness/soul search, listening, improving my listening, further improving my listening, spirit, Spirit World, guided by spirit, teaching and leading without controlling, "humble yourself", what is teaching?, authenticity, discipline, exercise, cheerfulness, moderation, balance, authenticity, authenticity, authenticity.

And so this is what it looks like from cracking the door of FORTY!! 

38

This year is exhausting.     1996.

Never have I worked so hard  &questioned my self-worth so
much.  1996.  It is the time for serving    -little ones.
Well, not that little, but 6   &7 yrs. to be exact.  Now is
the time in my life to work, to prove that I can do it
    -that I can make a difference to myself, to others,
    &work to change.

Change myself, change my attitude  &daily habits.  Can I
give to these children, can I help them change, grow?
Can I help them to become who they are meant to be:  This
is tall, very tall.  Day in  &day out I struggle, I doubt,
I try.  Can I turn this around?

    Delight.  Challenge.  Joy.

Do you know that I cry for you little ones?  -with your 
enormous souls.  I cry s I sit at the bench hoping for the 
waves to come over me & heal me, teach me, help me help you.
Then I say to myself:  Is it fair that I am your teacher:  Is
it fair to me, is it fair to you?  Well, it really is much more
than that in fact.  It is Karma, destiny.  I don't pretend to
understand it, but I feel it.  I feel such responsibility.

    Responsibility

...

These twenty.  20 Children are the reason, the meaning of
much of my existence right now.  Who would ever have known?
I am grateful.  I am working  -hard.
I am renewed  &exhausted together.
    God help me more than ever.

7:30 P. M., 1-18-94                 written on the red-
                                    line to Hvd. Sq.

Today I am 36

Today is my Birthday

I am I.
    but oh what new meaning in that little word for me now.
    is the  "I"  all one  -the "Universal one"
    or is   "I"  the Ego that Steiner talks of
    the "individual consciousness soul"?

I have been so content to do my practices, to perform seva &
    meditation & chanting to the bedst of my ability  -but now
    to know  -or to begin to know-  that it is the "Christ"
    within  &  the "I" of Steiner together that have the
    work to meet...
is it a new "I" for me today?
    or can I continue my practices the same as before
    but with a new understanding,
    in fact renewed hope?

Oh  -that I have been mistaken?
    -or not?

Oh God please do not tell me that I have been practicing
    giving my soul to anything less than the highest.
Oh dear God, guide me please.

My   Day  Today

33 years today

    My day today
    of forgiveness
    of anger
    of seeming hopelessness
    of yearning to grow
    of aching to love & be loved
    simple beauty in flowers & huge
        in true friendship
        & in true devoted love
            from my dearest beloved,
    these things  -all touch me
    on "my day" today.

The WAR so far off but so ever ;present seems looming larger
than life itself, than the sun itself, gives little hope,
little room to take a breath & pray for peace.

But in this "my day" of days is exactly what is called for &
what I feel most dear to my heart, the present we all truly
long for;
    a prayer for peace &
    an end to all suffering.
    Happy Birthday Bob.

  just starting

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